What the Fuck
Sooo. Been a little while since I have been on things are not going to well, I fucking hate how I am treated around here. It's fucking retarded. People are fucking pissing me off. Why do people think that they are better than other's, why does someone feel it necessary to demote someone as a person right in front of them? Like what do people do to deserve that? Why can't we all just get along?
Why don't people do anything with me like they use too? People would talk to me, people would listen to what I have to say about something. I swear I hear people talk shit behind my back, my girlfriend tells me that I am thinking to negatively, but in all seriousness I can hear them. But there is noone in this house that will fess up to them beaking me. Why is that? Maybe they do and maybe they don't, All I ask for is the truth, Noone will say a thing. I often think that my girlfriend doesn't like me anymore, kinda a harsh feeling I know but I do. She doesn't include me in her conversations, she doesn't mention me that much. It's like I'm just here to keep her company, and pay the bills. I usually think like that when I'am high.
I feel like this often, I will think about it usually once or twice a day. But when this goes on we are usually surrounded by people. I don't usually talk around people cause most of the time I am high and I'm usually stuck in my mind. That's what drugs do though hey! make you think, It's come so far that I think way to much and It feels like I have a 2nd personality. I know your probably not gonna believe this, but to those who don't Fuck you! This really sucks. It is so damn hard to quit something that has become an every day ritual for years now. Sure some of you may think oh just put your mind to it you can do it, It's all willpower. Well it's not all willpower you have to be able to get away. It's because you spend so much time thinking about it, that it is just a ritual to do it. And it's hard to break bad habbits. I really wish I could though.
For a few people who might be reading this who don't know I do drugs, I'm just letting you know now, maybe I didn't have the guts to tell you or maybe you just never asked. I have done them for about 4 years now off and on. I am addicted to Marijuana. I smoke it about 4 times a night just to get high. I have done Extacy many times, and I have even done a few lines of coke. This is not to brag at all. I hate what I have done to myself.
When I get high I'm a very quiet, shy person. It's very hard for me to make conversation, I think in my mind more than I speak vocally. For instance I could be in the living room right now with the people watching a movie, but I can not focus on the movie, all I can think about is how fucked up shit is. I don't understand why I am like this. It really pisses me off! It is very frustrating living my life day to day because I am addicted to drugs. When I am sober I am very intellegent, easy going a cool person to be around, Or so I think. I don't associate much, partially because I feel excluded, and partially cause I think way to much and I exclude myself from the group because I wont get a chance to speak my mind.
This has been going on for months now, Before I moved into this house I was included in things, I would get a phone call to go to a friends house, or I would be included in activities that go on. Now I sit here wishing I was doing all these fun things, instead of sitting here feeling like shit because I am excluded from everything. I really feel terrible I can't even hold a conversation, I can't make conversation cause I'm not interesting anymore. I don't do to much. Maybe i did sell out to my friends, but I think she is worth it.
There has never been anyone in my life that makes me feel like I do. Noone not even my own family have shown me this type of love. I don't even think I have seen her full potential yet but I am so impressed with what she gives me. Sometimes I wish she would talk to me and open up a lot more, I honestly see my life with her going no where. It's like we are still on the getting to know eachother phase. Maybe we jumped in to fast or maybe we are taking things to slow I have no clue what the hell is going on. It's been so long that I have been In a major relationship, that I have forgotten peices that make a relationship work.
I really need some help.
Why don't people do anything with me like they use too? People would talk to me, people would listen to what I have to say about something. I swear I hear people talk shit behind my back, my girlfriend tells me that I am thinking to negatively, but in all seriousness I can hear them. But there is noone in this house that will fess up to them beaking me. Why is that? Maybe they do and maybe they don't, All I ask for is the truth, Noone will say a thing. I often think that my girlfriend doesn't like me anymore, kinda a harsh feeling I know but I do. She doesn't include me in her conversations, she doesn't mention me that much. It's like I'm just here to keep her company, and pay the bills. I usually think like that when I'am high.
I feel like this often, I will think about it usually once or twice a day. But when this goes on we are usually surrounded by people. I don't usually talk around people cause most of the time I am high and I'm usually stuck in my mind. That's what drugs do though hey! make you think, It's come so far that I think way to much and It feels like I have a 2nd personality. I know your probably not gonna believe this, but to those who don't Fuck you! This really sucks. It is so damn hard to quit something that has become an every day ritual for years now. Sure some of you may think oh just put your mind to it you can do it, It's all willpower. Well it's not all willpower you have to be able to get away. It's because you spend so much time thinking about it, that it is just a ritual to do it. And it's hard to break bad habbits. I really wish I could though.
For a few people who might be reading this who don't know I do drugs, I'm just letting you know now, maybe I didn't have the guts to tell you or maybe you just never asked. I have done them for about 4 years now off and on. I am addicted to Marijuana. I smoke it about 4 times a night just to get high. I have done Extacy many times, and I have even done a few lines of coke. This is not to brag at all. I hate what I have done to myself.
When I get high I'm a very quiet, shy person. It's very hard for me to make conversation, I think in my mind more than I speak vocally. For instance I could be in the living room right now with the people watching a movie, but I can not focus on the movie, all I can think about is how fucked up shit is. I don't understand why I am like this. It really pisses me off! It is very frustrating living my life day to day because I am addicted to drugs. When I am sober I am very intellegent, easy going a cool person to be around, Or so I think. I don't associate much, partially because I feel excluded, and partially cause I think way to much and I exclude myself from the group because I wont get a chance to speak my mind.
This has been going on for months now, Before I moved into this house I was included in things, I would get a phone call to go to a friends house, or I would be included in activities that go on. Now I sit here wishing I was doing all these fun things, instead of sitting here feeling like shit because I am excluded from everything. I really feel terrible I can't even hold a conversation, I can't make conversation cause I'm not interesting anymore. I don't do to much. Maybe i did sell out to my friends, but I think she is worth it.
There has never been anyone in my life that makes me feel like I do. Noone not even my own family have shown me this type of love. I don't even think I have seen her full potential yet but I am so impressed with what she gives me. Sometimes I wish she would talk to me and open up a lot more, I honestly see my life with her going no where. It's like we are still on the getting to know eachother phase. Maybe we jumped in to fast or maybe we are taking things to slow I have no clue what the hell is going on. It's been so long that I have been In a major relationship, that I have forgotten peices that make a relationship work.
I really need some help.
posted by Adam Parkin at
8:38 PM
1 Comments:
Parky,
It really worries me to see you down like this. But I completely relate to the high/split personality thing. I hated who I was when I was high. In the old days, I got high and had a mint timing where I'd laugh the whole time. Now it's just veg or get trapped in my own head. Which is why I had to quit.
If you want to quit, I would support you 400%. I really think you can do it if you really want to. I agree with you when you talk about what kind of person you are when you aren't high. You are one of the greatest people I know. Very laid-back and very easy to get along with. Don't lose sight of who you are. As far as I know, no one beaks you. Just people who get sour when they can't go to Gill's and they're like 'What's his problem?' But frankly, it's kind of sad how dependent everyone has become on Gill's. Hopefully things will change soon, like maybe someone else will get their own place or something.
Anyways, I hope you start feeling better soon. I know it probably doesn't sound like much but I am always here if you need to talk. Maybe sometime we'll go on another cruise where it's just you and me and we'll take some more mint pictures of deer and talk and shit, especially since we didn't get too many good ones last time, haha.
Take care,
Morgan
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