It has been a long time but I am back again haha. Things are things i guess haha, just in one of those moods. Things are so boring, everything bores me nothing gets me all pumped up, nothing seems to excite me. I do the same thing everyday, wish this town had more shit to do. Instead of sitting here maybe i could go chill at a mall or go cruising around a big city instead of doing laps in Humboldt. Or something to just pass the time.

Maybe I should grow up and get a job, I thought about it but when I actually put my mind to it I never seem to get any where. Some days I wish that I can leave go do something that I actually want to do instead of doing something that I really do not want to do in the first place. I find myself sitting around a lot, watching t.v goin on the computer really doing a bunch of fuck all. Usually I am sitting by myself because Gill has something else to do like go on the computer or today when she was making a song list for Bailey, I took off I was so bored sitting there that I couldn't take it anymore I had to get away. I find myself in this predicament a lot. Maybe cause there is never anything new in my life, usually because there isn't all I do with myself is sit around this house, sorry mope around the house because I am so bored. There is many things other than this I would love to be doing, like going for a drive, take off to the city for the night. But in reality.... I have no money I am broke I can't afford to do all these things, I dont have a vehicle to go cruise around in.

The only fun thing to do in this town is chill at the house or go for coffee. Yay hey so much fun, I wish. Coffee is so fucking boring, we have to sit with 8 people at a table we are all cramped in there. Everyone all talks at once amongst eachother and I am left there sitting beside my girlfriend who looks at me says I love you, then doesn't talk to me. Like WTF what am I suppose to say to that. Of course I say I love you back, so she doesn't get all sour and shit. Why doesn't she pick something else to say. I hear her say it but it's like you tell me this everytime you look at me I am kinda getting sick of that being the only thing you talk to me about.

Now I got to go this is only half started but I am gonna go chill with a friend who will actually talk to me more than say I love you, a friend who doesn't beak me or talk shit about me. Someone who I haven't really treated the best because I have been pre occupied with someone else. Some one who had my back from day 1 and still has been trust worthy and loyal to me. So talk to ya all later.
Peach!

Something a little different

So here it is, the scoop lol. All this time i thought as a blog of a way to release a bunch of anger that I got going on. I want to try to make this one a happy blog. I can't promise anythign cause I still think about how shitty things are. But really not everything in my life sucks. I just focus on it too much. I hope you enjoy this because hopefully there will be more of the same.

I'm in love. Some people say that they have found love and in months just throw it all away for some stupid reason, that probably wasn't worth it in the first place. I'm glad that I have found someone who I get along with so well. We have our times in which we are really quiet, it seems so overwhelming some times. I really wish that I spent more time with her before we dated, we never really hung-out that much. It really sucks because I missed so much of her life, that It took me 3 months to catch up.

I still don't know a lot about her past, and it kinda worries me a little bit. We have been taking things very slow with our relationship, I feel really bad that we jumped in so fast, I wasn't ready to make the leap at first, I was gonna take things slower with her, But there was just no way that i could have let the opportunity slide. We hung out a couple times after people had left the house, in November and begining of December. At the time we really wouldn't talk that much, It sucks when two people are really shy it's hard to make conversation cause not a lot of words are spoken.

Anyway though, on December 2nd Bailey, Gills closest friend for those of you who don't know her, She came up to me in the afternoon and asked me what I thought about Gill, I told her that she's an amazing person and that I have not met anyone who was like her, no one can compete. She is funny, smart, beautiful, really down to earth. She makes me smile with every word that she sais, most of the time I'm just smiling because she is so beautiful. There's times when I hear her talk to her friends, and I think why can't she have this conversation with me, I know that we don't have a very long past but I still know a lot about her. I wish that we could make more conversation about the future instead of the past so much.

Do we even have a future? Thats a pretty stupid question but seriously. We haven't made much progress in our relationship, for the last 3 months I feel like we are still in the same spot only a little different circumstances. When Bailey came up to me that day, she told me that Gill really liked me and that I should ask her out. I knew then and there that I was totally in love with her, I barely knew her but it felt so right, from that day on we clicked, everything felt so amazing everything was perfect, We struggle day in day out for this relationship to work, I would not waste my time if it wasn't for a good cause, and let me tell you she is worth every moment.

There's times when things look like there not gonna be ok, If you read my last post you will know when these times are. I feel really bad for what I do to her, all I want is for her to be happy, but when I am stoned I get a split personality in which I know she hates. I really wish that this wouldn't happen. I really don't know why that it does. From here on out I am making a vow to myself, never to touch another drug again. I know you all are thinking yea that's what he said last time, But this time is different there is a lot more at stake for me now than there was before. Now that I have something to lose, I don't feel the need to go throw my life away for a good time.

From this day on, Monday March 31 2008, I plan to be drug free. Because while I'm on drugs, I'm not the same person, and it scares me. Yea that's right you heard me say I was afraid of something! I'm not ashamed to admit it. All I ask from you people is to help support me. I don't want you to criticize me for it because I am sick of who I have become and it's time to change things. Take a stand now is the time. Anyway I am going to stop babbling here cause I got nothing else to say, and this is already going to be the biggest post to this day, I appreciate you all reading this whoever you are. Many more to come I hope. Peace

What the Fuck

Sooo. Been a little while since I have been on things are not going to well, I fucking hate how I am treated around here. It's fucking retarded. People are fucking pissing me off. Why do people think that they are better than other's, why does someone feel it necessary to demote someone as a person right in front of them? Like what do people do to deserve that? Why can't we all just get along?

Why don't people do anything with me like they use too? People would talk to me, people would listen to what I have to say about something. I swear I hear people talk shit behind my back, my girlfriend tells me that I am thinking to negatively, but in all seriousness I can hear them. But there is noone in this house that will fess up to them beaking me. Why is that? Maybe they do and maybe they don't, All I ask for is the truth, Noone will say a thing. I often think that my girlfriend doesn't like me anymore, kinda a harsh feeling I know but I do. She doesn't include me in her conversations, she doesn't mention me that much. It's like I'm just here to keep her company, and pay the bills. I usually think like that when I'am high.

I feel like this often, I will think about it usually once or twice a day. But when this goes on we are usually surrounded by people. I don't usually talk around people cause most of the time I am high and I'm usually stuck in my mind. That's what drugs do though hey! make you think, It's come so far that I think way to much and It feels like I have a 2nd personality. I know your probably not gonna believe this, but to those who don't Fuck you! This really sucks. It is so damn hard to quit something that has become an every day ritual for years now. Sure some of you may think oh just put your mind to it you can do it, It's all willpower. Well it's not all willpower you have to be able to get away. It's because you spend so much time thinking about it, that it is just a ritual to do it. And it's hard to break bad habbits. I really wish I could though.

For a few people who might be reading this who don't know I do drugs, I'm just letting you know now, maybe I didn't have the guts to tell you or maybe you just never asked. I have done them for about 4 years now off and on. I am addicted to Marijuana. I smoke it about 4 times a night just to get high. I have done Extacy many times, and I have even done a few lines of coke. This is not to brag at all. I hate what I have done to myself.

When I get high I'm a very quiet, shy person. It's very hard for me to make conversation, I think in my mind more than I speak vocally. For instance I could be in the living room right now with the people watching a movie, but I can not focus on the movie, all I can think about is how fucked up shit is. I don't understand why I am like this. It really pisses me off! It is very frustrating living my life day to day because I am addicted to drugs. When I am sober I am very intellegent, easy going a cool person to be around, Or so I think. I don't associate much, partially because I feel excluded, and partially cause I think way to much and I exclude myself from the group because I wont get a chance to speak my mind.

This has been going on for months now, Before I moved into this house I was included in things, I would get a phone call to go to a friends house, or I would be included in activities that go on. Now I sit here wishing I was doing all these fun things, instead of sitting here feeling like shit because I am excluded from everything. I really feel terrible I can't even hold a conversation, I can't make conversation cause I'm not interesting anymore. I don't do to much. Maybe i did sell out to my friends, but I think she is worth it.

There has never been anyone in my life that makes me feel like I do. Noone not even my own family have shown me this type of love. I don't even think I have seen her full potential yet but I am so impressed with what she gives me. Sometimes I wish she would talk to me and open up a lot more, I honestly see my life with her going no where. It's like we are still on the getting to know eachother phase. Maybe we jumped in to fast or maybe we are taking things to slow I have no clue what the hell is going on. It's been so long that I have been In a major relationship, that I have forgotten peices that make a relationship work.

I really need some help.

So this is it.

I really don't know how exactly to say this. But I have got myself in way to deep, I have lost who i was until moving into this house. Instead of thinking about all the positives in life, I now think about all the negatives. I sometimes think people are keeping things from me, or if someone was to say something to me i will not have anything to say but "Nice", "Sweet" or "Cool". I have tried so hard to make her love me that i forgot who i really am. This has got to be the worste feeling that anyone can go through.



I get thoughts in my head, that my friends all hate me and they all talk shit behind my back. And it really frustrates me cause i spend more time worrying about this shit that i don't live a happy life anymore, just not me. I will sit in the corner of the kitchen by myself, thinking about how shit is so fucked up now a days, how things are so much more difficult than they use to be.



I can not take to much more of this, depression, if you can call it that. I get down about the littlest things, It's like i don't care about anything, im not into anything anymore, all that i care about is her. I really only vividly remember the last 3 months, everything beyond that is blurry i don't remeber a large portion of my past anymore, cause i have changed so much as a person.

People's

I am definatly not one person to rant about something, but there is no other way that i am able to get this point to go onto the page. I really need to get away take a vacation find a way to get from here. Everything is so complicating, I cannot fully love someone with so many people in the way.

There is only 3 times a day when i get to be alone (me and her), when we wake up in the morning until about 2 in the afternoon, about 2 hours. Also i get about an hour of her time when we make supper, or do dishes after or before supper, and then people come over and chill till about 12 most nights sometimes there is people who spend the night.

It is so frustrating because i want to talk to her so much, i want to spend tons of time with her because she is always on my mind. But sometimes it is made so difficult, like for instance people would come over one night, she comes beside me and stays for about 3 minutes and i get upset because she wont spend time with me, but now i realize that it's not her fault. It's just because she is a "busy lady".

It is a super sketchy situation, i can't force her to tell all of her friends that they can't come over all the time, But damn every night oh wait except for "Tuesday" night when she watches her show. And for the last 2 weeks there was still people here all night.

Now dont get me wrong, these are all my friends too, and they all mean something to me, some more than others, but there is a point where it get's on my nerves when i see everyone, everyday. I appologize if i offend anyone by the way, but i really do love her, and i don't want to lose her, she means everything to me.

Key to my Heart

Key To My Heart

I had closed the door upon my heart

And wouldn't let anyone in,

I had trusted and loved only to be hurt

But, that would never happen again.

I had locked the door and tossed the key

As hard, and as far as I could,

Love would never enter there again,

My heart was closed for good.

Then you came into my life

And made me change my mind,

Just when I thought that tiny key

was impossible to find.

That's when you held out your hand

And proved to me I was wrong,

Inside your palm was the key to my heart...

You had it all along.

Teamwork

Teamwork is defined as, n. Cooperative effort by the members of a group or team to achieve a common goal. The common goal here is love, or so that's what i think it is, in order for teamwork to work well there needs to be communication, without communication it is a struggle to reach your common goal together, as a team.
Sometimes, it feels like i devote so much but get so little in return, I really do try to make conversation but sometimes it goes unnoticed, i talk more to myself sometimes than i talk to her. My voice just isn't heard anymore, i get cut off by the rest of the world because i spent so much time on her that i became distant from all my freinds. I missed out so much that i'm out of the loop now.
I jumped in so fast not realizing what the consequences could be, not that i regret any minute or any second, because it's the most amazing thing i have ever felt. There has never been someone who means so much to me and there never will be anyone else. I really hope that things will change in the near future, because if this keeps on going, i dont know how much i can take of it, it's at the point where i think about this way to damn much.